Topic: Blues Humor

[GhostRider]

Hi all:

I got this out of a newsletter I get, it's about 2 yrs. old

It's the only blues joke I've ever heard, and I thought this was the thread to post it in.

Alex

HOW TO SING THE BLUES? ?

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."? ?
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues,? ?
unless you stick something nasty in the next line.? ?

"I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."? ?

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right,? ?
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.? ?

"Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds."? ?

4. The blues are not about limitless choice. Blues cars are? ?
Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation? ?
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a? ?
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.? ?

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues.? ?
Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair? ?
if you shoot a man in Memphis.? ?

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in? ?
Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are? ?
just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are? ?
still the best places to have the blues.? ?

8.The following colors do not belong in the blues:? ?
a. violet? ?
b. beige? ?
c. mauve? ?

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall,? ?
the lighting is wrong.? ?

10. Good places for the Blues:? ?
a. the highway? ?
b. the jailhouse? ?
c. the empty bed? ?

Bad places:? ?
a. Ashrams? ?
b. Gallery openings? ?
c. weekend in the Hamptons? ?

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,? ?
unless you happen to be an old black man.? ?

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?? ?
Yes, if:? ?
a. your first name is a southern state, like Georgia? ?
b. you're blind? ?
c. you shot a man in Memphis.? ?
d. you can't be satisfied.? ?

No, if:? ?
a. you were once blind but now can see.? ?
b. you're deaf? ?
c. you have a trust fund.? ?

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing? ?
the blues.? ?

14. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's? ?
the blues. Other blues beverages are:? ?
a. wine? ?
b. Irish whiskey? ?

Muddy water blues beverages are NOT:? ?
a. Any mixed drink? ?
b. Any wine kosher for Passover? ?
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)? ?

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a? ?
blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues? ?
way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse or being? ?
denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death,? ?
if you die during a liposuction treatment.? ?


16. Some Blues names for Women? ?
a. Sadie? ?
b. Big Mama? ?
c. Bessie? ?

17. Some Blues Names for Men? ?
a. Joe? ?
b. Willie? ?
c. Little Willie? ?
d. Lightning? ?

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted? ?
to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.? ?

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)? ?
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)? ?
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)? ?
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)? ?

[Butterfingers]

A few more blues terminology tips which you may find useful. (Not original!)

1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning"

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in right away: I got a good woman with the meanest
face in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other
acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and
southbound trains. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So
does fixin' to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet
aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't
fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the
electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just
depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St.
Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that
don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it
is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the
Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you're truly desperate for a rhyme).

9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by
the dumpster.

10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty
bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues:
ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses,
Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man and it's an old black suit.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer Yes if:
a. your first name is a southern state like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt
Answer No if:
a. you once were blind
but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth
f. you were once blind but now can see

13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot
sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up
on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the
Blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer,
black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine,
sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although
Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better
stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and
Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Creme
brule.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is
substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an
emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or
from tennis elbow.

16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie,
or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie,
Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with names like
Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are
not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.

17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic) b. First
name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last
name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay, maybe
not
"Kiwi"

18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the Blues. You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad
Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't
care

19. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks
singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the
Blues, the three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.

20. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight.
Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

21. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at
authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.

22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this
morning"

Butterfingers.